Consent in any sexual relationship is essential. Whether you're in a monogamous, casual, polyamorous, open, long-distance or friends-with-benefits-relationship, consent is imperative! Whatever type of relationship you're in, if there's sex toys involved, extra understanding around consent is required!
One problem around the understanding of consent and using sex toys is that it's not the same as consent to regular sex. There has been some horrible advice around sharing toys in the past, "surprise your partner by whipping out a dildo from your naughty drawer!" The other thing is that, I'm sure there has been moments where surprising your partner with a sex toy in the midst of passion has been received positively and made for some amazing sex. However, this doesn't mean that the process was correct for every relationship or individual! You can already understand how a surprise experience could be very negative!
Well for a start, consent can never be assumed! Consent only takes the form of a passionate, wholehearted and willing "yes!" Not a hesitant "yes," not a nervous "yes," not a "yes" that required some sort of momentary inspiring uproar of courage to produce. This "yes" should have no external influence, no persuasion, guilt or pressure from anyone else.
Further, a confirming "yes" on one occasion, does not mean "yes" on any other occasion. A "yes" can be changed to a "no" in the same session and means the use of any selection of adult toy should be immediately stopped!
Consent requires complete awareness from all partners involved. Awareness can be affected by someone under the influence of drugs or is overly intoxicated from alcohol. This could mean someone who is asleep. This could even mean someone who is simply unaware a sex toy is being used on them. Switching out your tongue for an oral sex toy without checking if that's okay is definitely not on.
Meaning that once you and your partner have identified a sex toy in which you both thoroughly understand and are comfortable sharing. Let's take a vibrator for example. There is so much variation around vibrators, they differ in size, loudness, material, vibration intensity, vibration pattern even the type of vibration itself. Therefore, being comfortable with one toy does not mean being comfortable with the next one. A new vibrator requires another process of communication, understanding and a resounding "yes" from all who will be using the toy. We can go further by singling out a rabbit vibrator being used for vaginal penetration and clitoral stimulation. Just because someone enjoys insertion with a rabbit vibrator, doesn't mean they're okay with insertion of a butt plug in any orifice. Alternatively, this doesn't mean they are okay with any other vibrating device that can provide clitoral stimulation!
As I've said so many times in almost all of my articles. Communication is incredibly crucial. It is the irreplaceable concept that makes relationships pleasurable, intimate, body safe and generally successful in all aspects of life. Before incorporating any toy into your sex life, communication needs to have taken place. This involves ensuring each partner knows what the toy is used for, how it's used and whether it has any additional features that you think are worthwhile discussing. A great way of encouraging a relationships comfort with a sex toy, is by scrolling an online adult shop together. Therefore, you can both choose a toy you are confident you will be comfortable with.
When sharing a toy for the first time, take time exploring the toy with your partner, communicating with each other whether you preferred this and disliked that. The key thing to communication is that both partners need to feel comfortable speaking their mind, if they don't feel this level of comfortability. The context is no longer encouraging of consent. Especially in the middle of sex, one partner may feel extra pressure to fulfil the desires of the other. Although being open to your partners sexual wants is a positive thing, it should not breach your comfortability! This doesn't mean that whatever it is, will never be experienced (although it could), it just means necessary discussion and comfortable steps need to be identified to encourage satisfaction.
In terms of what communication is okay or is required is specific to each relationship. For some couples that have been together a long time and have more sex toys in their drawer then they have underpants (which they're often not wearing), a simple "is this okay" might be required when sharing a toy. This is because they've already established a high level of trust and feel confident communicating if they ever feel uncomfortable. If you're in a relationship where sexual surprises are welcome, then it's probably fine to whip out that surprise dildo. Even then, these couples are likely to share a mutual nod in agreement or ecstatic smile. Simply understanding that the use of sex toys is different for each relationship and whatever your ex-relationship was involved with, your new relationship is likely to be very different in the bedroom.
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